notes to self:
- people who don’t care about you, no matter how much you care about them, aren’t worth your energy so let them go
- choosing to be happy does not mean ignoring the sadness and pain that demand to be felt
- probably the best thing you can do for yourself is to refuse to be embarrassed or ashamed of any part of you
It’s 4:12 a.m. And I can’t go back to sleep. My heart aches, my face is sticky and my pillow is tear drenched. I feel my body and 119lbs may not be much, but I’m worn down. I’ve become somebody I’m not all for you, not so that you may love me more. But your gravity has really influenced me to accustom myself to you.
I wish you’d change, I wish you’d stop making my arguments and triumphs insignificant. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had it. Your decisions, actions, and words have left me second guessing myself. My paranoia and lack of confidence can be seen in my numerous tears and deep dark eye bags.
I’m 119lbs, the stress and over shadowing have left me bare. A hollow person with a nice hair cut and red streaks. And how do you fare at times like these? Where I need you to understand me or to change? I’m not strong anymore, and soon enough I’m going to just not feel anything. Existing to just be there, existing to support you because I still love you. How deeply I wished you knew how much I love you. How much I care and try to please you.
Now it is 5:07 a.m., I am exhausted and I have chills from the anxiety. My fingers tremble, my mouth is dry and I’m praying desperately that you rethink your actions and change. Maybe if I close my eyes, things will get better and There will be a miracle.
I’m 119lbs, there is so much more that I’ve lost than just body mass. So much more. Think, consider, and ask… “are you really proud of yourself?”